What Have I Learned?

What have a learned from adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents and my kids?

• I think the issues surrounding adoption come in many shades of grey.
• I think the voices of all adoptees should be heard. I really mean all.
• I think that all of the members of the so-called “adoption triad” should be respected, with the adoptive parent coming in third place.
• I think that we should all strive for more transparency and ethics in the adoption process, but should realize that not all countries will have the safety net, courts or foster care systems of the United States anytime soon.
• I don’t like the “rescue narrative”, but adoption often does provide for the basic needs (and more) of children who would otherwise go without.
• I think that culture is important. Very important. It is just not as important as food and shelter.
• I think I have learned more from my two kids 6.5 years on this earth than I would have leanred from 100 years of just living my own life.
• I think my feelings on adoption and raising my kids are a work in progress.

Great Sesame Street Skit on Black Hair

Hofmann on the radio.

Listen to Kevin Hofmann, author of Growing Up Black in White on the WILS-AM radio in Lansing.

Click here.

Hear Kevin Hofmann, transracial adoptee, in East Lansing, MI

An Evening with Kevin Hofmann, author of Growing Up Black in White

Date: Thursday, June 10, 2010
Time: 7:00pm - 8:30pm
Location: All Saints Episcopal Church,
800 Abbot Road, East Lansing, MI 48823

Black Children White Parents, All Saints Episcopal Church and the East Lansing Writers Forum are excited to welcome Kevin Hofmann, author of the recently published book, Growing Up Black in White to East Lansing on June 10, 2010 at 7:00 pm for an intimate discussion of his new book and signing reception. Proceeds to benefit The Black Child and Family Institute.

Kevin will talk about his experiences of being a black child raised by a white family during the tumultuous 60's and 70's in Detroit, Michigan. We will then have a signing reception with coffee, tea and desserts and an opportunity to buy his recently published book.

For more information go: here.

To read about Kevin's book, visit : here.

Help a student, help children in Ethiopia

As part of a school project, Bektu Conley, a seventh grade student at Northwood Middle School in Spokane, WA is raising money for AHOPE for Children. As part of Charity Week at her school, she is trying to raise $500 to feed the children at AHOPE for one month. She chose AHOPE because she wanted to help them care for HIV positive children in Ethiopia. Like my son, Bektu was adopted from Ethiopia. She was adopted in 2008 at 12 years old.

AHOPE is an extraordinary organization. I have given to them in the past. Help Bektu exceed her goal.

To DONATE visit the webpage that Bektu created: here.

For more information on AHOPE, visit: here.

Talking Race – revisited

Once again, following her bedtime story, my daughter and I had an interesting discussion about skin color. I cannot recall what drove us to this conversation, but in it my daughter told me she wished mommy and dad had black skin color like her. I asked her about why she wished that her mommy, daddy and her all matched. She really couldn’t say why, but she did list off all of her family members who “…have light skin.” This included grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins, with the exception of her brother.

I then pointed out all of the unique families and families of color that she sees on a regular basis. There are the transracial adoptive families at her school and in our adoptive families playgroup, the Ethiopian family in our neighborhood, and her biracial friend who has an African dad and a Brazilian mom. She pointed out the families she knows with two mommies and asked about one of the transracial families she hasn’t seen in a while.

I asked her what she thought about all these unique families that look a lot like her family, to which she replied: “I’d like to go to sleep now, daddy.”

Even though I could not get to the bottom of her desire for us to be black, I think it was a good conversation for a four-year-old.

A Lesson in Institutionalized Racism

The video post below is by Kevin D. Hofmann and posted at his blog: My Mind on Paper.

The video post is titled:
An Immigration Project: A Lesson in Institutionalized Racism.

His son's experience in an excellent lesson for all of us who have never had to face institutional racism, but must prepare our children to do so. I have been visiting his blog regularly. As an adult adoptee he is an excellent resource for caucasian adoptive parents of African American kids.

Please take a look and then visit Kevin's blog to comment and read other posts.

Adopted - The Comic

A little bit of humor for adoptive families, especially adoptees.

Read this comic and many more here.

Our First Racism Discussion

Two nights ago, as I readied my daughter for bed and read her our usual bedtime story, she chose a book we haven’t read in a long time. The book, called the Sweet Smell of Roses, showcases two girls as they join into a march alongside Martin Luther King Jr. and are swept up in the message of nonviolence, unity and freedom. At age four, my daughter asks a lot more questions than she did when we last read the book.

This time she wanted to know:

-"Why are they walking together?”

-“Who are those people?”

and:

-“Why do they [white people] look so mad?”

We have read, Martin’s Big Words, stories of Barack Obama and discussed the color of our skin and her birthmother's skin color as well, so you would think I would have been more prepared for her questions.

This time I had to explain – at a four-year-old level – that some people judge others by the way they look and that Martin Luther King taught us all that we should accept one another. (Simplified version.) I expected her to accept this and simply move on as she usually does. This time she kept the conversation going. This time my message of tolerance seemed to backfire. She quickly informed me that she was no longer friends with “Lily” in her class because she had light skin, but that “Lara” would still be her friend because she has black skin, “…just like me.”

Yikes!

I then attempted - but failed - to explain that we should treat everyone kindly, not matter what they looked like. I explained that we live where we live because different types of people all live together and can be friends. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

This didn’t sink in. She insisted that only black girls were her friends.

(NOTE: I do expect to have a less Pollyannaish conversation about racism when I think she will understand it.)

At this point I asked about Mommy and Daddy. She informed that we were no longer her friends, but that her brother could be because he is black.

Fortunately, she was tired and we moved on, and as far as I can tell, she has completely forgotten the conversation. Considering she was happily playing with the many kids of all colors on the playground when I picked her up from school the next day, I think it is OK. Still, I intend to be much better prepared for the conversation next time.